When your emotions shift suddenly, it can feel like everything changes at once — how you see yourself, how you see someone else, even what feels safe. One moment you might feel close and understood, and the next, hurt or completely disconnected. It’s exhausting to care so deeply and still feel unsure about what’s real.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These emotional swings can be intense, but they don’t have to control you. There are ways to steady yourself when those feelings take over and to start creating more balance in how you respond.
This guide shares ways to ground yourself when emotions feel overwhelming and steps you can take over time to feel more stable and secure within yourself.
What is Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder?
Splitting describes the tendency to see people or situations as completely good or completely bad, with little room for in-between. It’s not intentional; it’s a response to emotional overwhelm and fear of rejection or abandonment. It often shows up when a person with BPD feels wounded, misunderstood, or anxious about losing someone important.
For someone with borderline personality disorder, intense emotions can make it hard to hold both positive and negative feelings at once. When that balance tips, it can cause sudden shifts in how a person views themselves or others — from idealization to disappointment, connection to rejection.
Instead of seeing things in shades of gray, splitting causes extreme shifts in perception — someone might feel a person is perfect and loving one moment, then cruel or abandoning the next. This all-or-nothing thinking can create emotional chaos and tension in relationships.
This is one of the reasons BPD can hurt so much. Relationships that feel deeply meaningful can also feel fragile or uncertain, and the emotional highs and lows can leave a person feeling drained, guilty, or misunderstood.
Why Splitting Feels So Overwhelming
Splitting directly impacts your sense of safety, trust, and identity simultaneously. In BPD, emotions can shift from calm to chaos within seconds, and splitting magnifies that swing by changing how you see people, yourself, and your relationships.
Recent research gives us a clearer picture of why splitting happens and why it can feel so intense in the moment. A 2024 study looked at how people who rely on splitting process emotional information. It found that splitting isn’t only emotional; it’s also connected to how the brain handles thoughts and memories that don’t match up.
What Happens in the Brain During a Split
The same study found that when things feel calm, people who use splitting can usually keep their thoughts and emotions organized. However, when something upsetting happens, such as feeling rejected or criticized, the brain has a harder time distinguishing between past and present experiences.
Old memories of being hurt or abandoned can blend with what’s happening right now, making it feel like history is repeating itself even when it’s not. That’s what “conflicting experiences” means — part of you remembers the good moments with someone, but another part feels flooded with pain or fear from a past experience. When both hit at once, the brain struggles to hold them together, so one side takes over.
Why This Matters
This helps explain why a split can feel so sudden and consuming. In that moment, it’s hard for your brain to hold both positive and negative feelings at once. Knowing this can make it easier to respond with self-compassion instead of judgment. It also shows why grounding skills, emotional awareness, and therapy can help you stay balanced when emotions start to take over.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing a Splitting Episode
Splitting can look different from person to person, but here are common signs that it’s happening:
- Sudden changes in how you see someone: You might go from idealizing a person to believing they’re cruel, untrustworthy, or don’t care about you at all.
- Extreme emotional swings: Feelings can shift from love and security to intense anger (sometimes referred to as “BPD rage”), hate, or despair within minutes or hours.
- Black-and-white thinking: Things feel entirely good or entirely bad — there’s no in-between or nuance.
- Feeling betrayed or abandoned easily: Even small misunderstandings or delays in response can trigger intense feelings of rejection.
- Difficulty trusting your own perception: You may feel certain of your thoughts and feelings in the moment but later realize they were influenced by emotion.
- Acting on impulse during emotional peaks: This might include lashing out, blocking someone, or making major decisions based on temporary feelings.
- Deep shame or guilt afterward: Once the emotional intensity fades, you might feel regret or confusion about how strongly you reacted.
How to Deal With BPD Splitting
When splitting happens, emotions can shift fast. One moment you feel deeply connected, the next completely shut down or angry. These steps focus on what you can do in the moment to stay grounded and regain balance during a split.
1. Recognize What’s Happening
The first step is noticing that you’re splitting — seeing someone or something as entirely good or entirely bad. Remind yourself, “This is my mind reacting to feeling unsafe or rejected. It doesn’t mean this person or situation is all bad.” Labeling it helps create distance from the emotion.
2. Pause Before Reacting
Try not to send messages, make decisions, or confront anyone right away. Splitting often comes with strong emotional urges, and taking even a few minutes to pause can prevent impulsive reactions. Give yourself space to let the initial wave of emotion settle before you decide what to do next.
3. Use Grounding Techniques
Get out of your head and into your body. Bring your attention back to the present moment by engaging your senses:
- Focus on what’s around you: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
- Slow your breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 2, and exhale for 6.
- Use temperature or texture: Hold something cold, like an ice cube, or touch something textured to redirect your focus away from emotional overwhelm.
4. Reality-Check Your Thoughts
Ask yourself questions that help you challenge black-and-white thinking. These questions create mental space and help your emotions catch up with your thoughts:
- Is there another way to look at this?
- What evidence do I have that this person is entirely bad or that everything is ruined?
- Have I felt like this before and later realized it wasn’t as extreme as it felt in the moment?
5. Reach for a Safe Person or Coping Plan
If you can, reach out to a trusted friend, therapist, or support line and share that you’re struggling to see things clearly. If talking feels too hard, write your thoughts down instead. Journaling can help you release emotion safely without damaging relationships in the process.
How to Stop Splitting
While it’s possible to ground yourself during a split, long-term stability comes from building emotional awareness and practicing new ways of thinking. The steps below focus on reducing the frequency and intensity of splitting over time.
Build Emotional Awareness
Start noticing what tends to trigger your emotional shifts. Splitting often happens when you feel criticized, abandoned, or unseen. Identifying patterns helps you prepare for them and separate the trigger from the person, making it easier to respond instead of react.
Practice “Both-And” Thinking
Train your mind to hold two truths at once. For example:
- “I’m angry with them and I still care about them.”
- “This situation hurts and it doesn’t mean everything is hopeless.”
This kind of thinking softens extremes and helps you stay connected to the full picture instead of slipping into all-or-nothing judgments.
Strengthen Your Sense of Self
Splitting often feels stronger when your self-worth depends on how others respond to you. Practicing self-validation — reminding yourself, “I’m still okay even if they’re upset with me” — builds internal stability. Over time, your emotional balance becomes less dependent on the approval or behavior of others.
Practice Consistency in Relationships
After intense emotional moments, jot down what happened, how you felt later, and what you learned. This reflection helps you see patterns over time and build a more balanced view of the people around you. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes to hold onto a sense of perspective and see people as whole and complex, even in difficult moments.
Seek Professional Treatment
The symptoms of BPD, including splitting, are mainly treated with psychotherapy. Medication may be part of a treatment plan, particularly if there are co-occurring disorders such as anxiety disorders. Group, peer and family support may also be part of a treatment plan.
Psychotherapy is one of the most important aspects of treating BPD because it aims to help a person to cope with the intense emotions that are a big part of BPD. With therapy, a person can learn coping skills while growing in insight and acceptance.
Effective forms of therapy include:
- Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) – teaches coping skills to help people with BPD regulate their emotions, along with mindfulness and techniques needed to reduce suicidal urges
- Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) – helps people accept difficult emotions, identify personal values, and take actions that align with those value.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) – helps a person recognize negative thoughts and learn new coping strategies
Regain Control When Emotions Feel Overwhelming
Living with borderline personality disorder can feel unpredictable, especially when emotions shift quickly or relationships feel fragile. With the right care and support, lasting stability is possible. Treatment helps you understand your emotions, navigate relationships more calmly, and build confidence in who you are.
At Clearview Treatment Programs, we specialize in evidence-based care for people with BPD. Our programs use therapies like DBT, CBT, and ACT to help clients manage intense emotions, reduce splitting, and develop a stronger, more grounded sense of self.
Because everyone’s experience with BPD is unique, we tailor each treatment plan to match your specific needs and goals. With the right approach, you can learn to regulate emotions, rebuild trust in yourself, and create healthier, more stable connections with others.
To learn more about our BPD treatment programs or get started today, please call us or reach out to one of our locations.
